the bases of my identity

i used to affirm my identity on the basis of what i have or what i do. i have an education. i own this house. i have a successful career. i finished that project. i’ve been to such and such a place. these, i think, are false bases of identity. i am also learning not to allow the popular bases of identity to define my individuality. i do not have to hitch-hike to the brand identity of the popular products that i use or wear, or the identity of the superstars whom the big media tells me to idolize.

let me tell you the real bases of my identity.

first, my identity is based on my worldview. “worldview” is defined as my understanding of the universe and final reality. it answers such questions as: how do i view the world and the whole universe? what is real? where did i come from? who am i? where am i going? does god exist? have we been created as the various religious narratives have taught us? or, did we evolve as the scientists have explained to us? or perhaps, we have been created and the creator used the process of evolution? is there heaven? is there hell? is there life after death? am i going to be reincarnated?

i am just beginning to be aware of my worldview. i did not care about these questions before. i was not even aware that i have a basic worldview. so far, i know within me that there is god; that the universe has been designed intelligently; that there is purpose for our existence; that good will ultimately triumph over evil; that human history moves progressively in a spiral motion towards hope; and, that i am essentially connected with all creation.

second, my identity is based on my value system. “value system” refers to those i regard as important in my life. i have a hierarchical list of what is important. god. family. others. nature. me. things. in that order. i do not always follow my value system. the “me” always want to be “god.” the “things” tend to possess me instead of me possessing them. it is a day-to-day struggle. but i will not change my value system just because i cannot follow them perfectly. these values guide my choices in life--both big choices and small choices.

third, my identity is based on my behaviour patterns. i define “behaviour patterns” as those actions that i think are right and proper. should i kiss the hands of my elders to pay respects? or, should i just greet them sincerely as a friend addressing them on a first name basis? the proper behavior among my elders in the philippines would be to kiss their hands. it would be improper for me to kiss the hands of my elderly canadian friends and relatives in british columbia. should i bow down to greet people? or, should i shake their hands? why should a man stop opening the door for a woman in 2004? why should a truly liberated woman reject a seat offered by a man? these behaviour patterns provide an outward form of the inward love and respect i have for the people around me. i always seek to be a gentleman in my behaviour patterns. being a gentleman is not about impressing others how good and classy a kind of person i am. being a gentleman is about expressing my care and respect to others through actions that would make them feel comfortable and at ease.

my journey towards a healthy sense of identity led me in a direction that is quite new for me. i am slowly realizing that i have been created for a purpose that is solely assigned to me. among the billions of people on planet earth, my characteristics, whether by nature or by nurture, are specially designed to mould the kind of person that i am. all my failures and successes, all my trials and triumphs, all my tears and laughter, all my pains and pleasures, all the negative aspects and positive aspects of my life--are factors that contribute to my identity as a unique individual.

what are your bases of identity?

the caterpillar, the cocoon, and the butterfly

for most of us, starting a career is like a caterpillar walk. slow. calculated. blending our colours with the environment, and losing our identity in the process. soon, we become aware that there are hundreds of thousands of caterpillars racing to the top.

it’s a caterpillar race!

sadly, many of us would quit the race at this stage by simply being overwhelmed by the number of those participating in the race.

the race gets worse. we soon notice that caterpillars tend to step on each other just to be on top, attracting other caterpillars to do the same until a small caterpillar hill is formed. each caterpillar fights to be on top. kicking each other. pulling each other. preventing those above us to move further up.

then one of us reaches the top. the top caterpillar is recognized as the winner! everyone feels envious. but eventually, the top caterpillar realizes that there’s really nothing there at the top except that, the others are down below.

others choose to stay on top until they are pulled down by force.

a few of us realize that being on top is a mere illusion, and that there must be more to life than this. we voluntarily crawl down. many of us would get hurt in the process. and yet, we feel we must get out of the caterpillar race. our enemies mock us and call us losers. some of our closest friends do not understand us.

we crawl. our forward motion seems endless. the journey does not appear to have any direction at all. we feel at loss. we go through a cycle of regrets and reassurances regarding our decision to get out of the race.

then we feel weak. our slow caterpillar walk gets slower. the whole world before us seems to be getting darker. we pray, and nobody seems to hear. we cry until our tears are dried. there is this darkness that literally envelops us. then… we become immobile in absolute darkness.

we experience the cocoon stage. it is like death. it seems forever.

out of darkness, we see a glimpse of light. then we feel something in our body. we can move. we can move that part of our body at will. we can spread it out! it’s big! it’s wide! it’s colourful! then to our surprise, we realize we have wings! and we fly!

we experience metamorphosis! we are transformed! we are free!

but there is more! we soon become aware that our purpose is to multiply the beauty of our surroundings by doing what we like best – becoming couriers of life-giving nourishment from one flower to another. our purpose is to serve those around us! and in turn, we are nourished.

as we fly doing our service to our gardenworld, we see the caterpillars. we realize that we did not have to step on each other to find our purpose. we realize that success is not necessarily equal to a meaningful life.

then we see the cocoons. we fly over them. we gently and lovingly land on them. and we whisper: “out of darkness, light will come, and you’ll spread your colourful wings like me.”


"whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
isa al-masih

i belong to the people of maharlika

why do we seem to have a dna-programming to leave the country? mr. de quiro of the philippine inquirer explains that we have no sense of country, and that we have no national pride. he’s right.

every time i say "i'm a filipino," i'm repeating a shameful identity--consciously or unconsciously. i'm saying that my personal story is part of a bigger story of a people who have been defeated and have been offered as a gift to a king of spain named felipe. thus, i have not much pride about my story as filip-ino who comes from a country called filip-inas.

the late dictator marcos tried to change our name to maharlika. despite the etymological imperfection of the term, i'd rather be called a maharlikan than a filipino. maharlika refers further back to my proud malay story and identity before the spanish colonial power raped and abused my ethnic pride and identity. true, being a filipino is part of my story. but i am a maharlikan first before i am a filipino.

is this just a matter of linguistics? i don't think so. the national pride of my sisters and brothers in mindanao is based on their collective sense of history. they refused to be called filipinos; they are the bangsa moro people. they look beyond our colonial identity. no wonder they have sustained their resistance to be part of their christianized, culturally-defeated brothers and sisters in the north. perhaps, we should listen to what our muslim brothers and sisters have been trying to tell us for more than 100 years.

i'm one of those who left our country and became a citizen of another affluent, giant country. yes, i ran away from my filipino story because it's embarrassing. i'm back now here in manila after many years of being a diaspora. deep within me, i see my story beyond our colonial name.

i belong to the people of maharlika. i have an identity beyond my colonial shame. i believe and i am proud of my people's story past beyond the 1500s. i believe that we can endure the present struggles--economic, social, political, environmental, etc.--because somehow, the people of diaspora will get tired of wandering around, and will get a new appreciation of their history.

now, i believe in our future as a people. i have transcended my colonial identity. like the wandering jews who saw their history beyond their shame under the romans in 70 ce, the maharlikan diaspora will learn to say, "next year in manila..." even if it takes us 2000 years to see its fulfillment.

this is my new sense of country. this is my new basis of optimism in this land.

to live a life of integrity

one of my greatest ambitions is to be a person of integrity.

i have chosen to walk in the path towards a life of integrity. it’s a paradoxical reality—the more i desire to be integrated, the more i realize i am not integrated. i am not yet a person of integrity.

integrity. the root word, "to integrate," means to form all parts into a unified whole. integrity has the idea of wholeness or soundness. the antithesis of integrity is duplicity. duplicity is being a different person to different people. it’s like a conscious choice to be schizophrenic. i struggle with duplicity because i tend to be a different person depending on the people i am with. i can be an elitist s.o.b. when i’m with my high paying clients in makati. i can be like a humble saint when i’m doing my volunteer work among the poor in southwestern mindanao. i am not who i show to be me all the time. it’s a shameful and painful reality of life… of my life. that’s why i desperately seek the path of integrity.

an integrated person is the same person whether she or he is alone in a closet or in public. there’s consistency in this person’s personal character and public image. the various aspects of this person’s life—private life, family life, career life, romantic life, religious life, hobbies, recreation, business, and others aspects of life—are in the process of becoming a unified whole. this does not mean living a perfect life. instead, it’s a journey towards living an authentic life!

i am slowly learning that integrity starts with my character and it ought to be reflected in my behavior. character is who i am when i’m alone with myself, with final reality, with my creator, with the universe. behavior is who i am when i’m in front of people—especially the people i know and the people i need. my character ought to determine my behavior. but i am not there yet. it is my tendency to appear good in front of the people i need than in front of the people who need me. that’s why it’s easy for me to be nice to my clients than to the people i pay to help me do my work. in this sense, i am not integrated. i still need to improve on minimizing, and hopefully eliminating, the dissonance between my character and my behavior.

if i am a person of integrity, then there’s nothing for me to hide and i must, therefore, be truthful and honest in dealing with everyone around me. integrity is being the same person wherever i am and with whomever i am.

i want to be who i am who i say i am—all the time. i’m not there yet, but i have chosen to go there. it’s an uphill battle… a painful struggle.

painful, dissonant, and paradoxical as it is, i am determined to stay in the path towards integrity.

it’s a life-time journey… … … … … … …