appreciating my sister edna's loving presence in my journey

"out of sight, out of mind." this is my tendency in expressing my love for people. i don't like this side of my relational behavior. it's always my loss when i neglect to connect with my loved-ones... like ate edna.

lately, i've been dreaming about my dear ate (pronounced áh-teh, it means older sister). for some reasons of the heart and spirit-prompting, memories of ate edna surfaced from the hard disk of my being. i've been praying for her since then—mostly thanking god for giving me an ate like her and simply expressing all the positive desires in my heart for her total shalom.

i really love ate edna. i wish i am verbalizing this to her more frequently. this blog may be a start.

one of my earliest memories was actually with her. i was four years old then. we were living in a place in tondo, manila. our house just got burned down because of a neighborhood fire. after the fire, we were packed like canned sardines in an ugly but neat barong-barong—a small house made of scrap materials. i can still smell the half-burned junks in our backyard.

i remember that afternoon when my parents asked ate edna to take care of me. she and ate linda took turns in doing child-care tasks in our family. beulah, my younger sister, was our baby. most of my memories of secure-and-good-feelings as a young child are identified with my times—the kairos kind—with ate edna and ate linda.

ate edna took me in a lot next to our house, gave me chicharon—a popular filipino snack that looked like a giant potatoe chip, and left me in a wooden crib. the cemented lot was perfect for riding her troley. it's like a wooden skateboard with a steering handle. yes, you call it a scooter.

anyway, i remember her, an intermediate school girl, enjoying the troley ride. her graceful and confident agility, as she was circling around me, is still in my memory system—like a video in living color. i remember laughing every time she's in front of me. i remember turning my head looking for her, with great anticipation, when she was behind me. and i can still hear myself laughing aloud as soon as i see her again in front of me.

then i got bored. i cried to get her attention. i wanted to ride the troley with her. and sister edna, being a loving ate, took me out of the crib, helped me sit in front of her on the troley, and we enjoyed a few woopeee-shouting rounds!

and then i got scared. i felt i needed to jump out of the troley. we crashed. my forehead was wounded and she took me back in the house with a bleeding face. i can still hear inay bing's hysteria (inay bing is my mother.) i can still hear ate edna's cry when my father gave her spanking... all because of me!

when i was six years old, she taught me how to write. funny, i learned how to read as ate edna was teaching me how to write. and it was not just simple writing. she taught me basic calligraphy. that's how she ordinarily writes. i always honor her by telling others that my hand-writing is her influence on me. last week, i sent her a pen and a set of carefully-selected writing pads to appreciate her most treasured influence on me.

when i was about seven years old, she taught me to ride her bike. that was the beginning of my love affair with speed. from bicycle, i upgraded to motorcycle. when i moved to north america... well, i better not talk about my speeding tickets—they have nothing to do with ate edna.

one night, when i was eight years old, i climbed up the grapefruit tree of nana ika—an old lady in our neighborhood. i stole a grapefruit for ate edna. i wanted to please her. she didn't show her appreciation. instead, she rebuked me for what i did. i felt bad, realizing that stealing is always bad even if done with good intention. but then, the next day, i saw her eat the grapefruit with her friends. i was delighted.

today, ate edna lives with my nephew, calvin wesley, in shanghai, china. wes' wife, sharon, has two beautiful girls—karissa and sophia. ate edna takes care of them. i wonder what karissa and sophia would write in their blogs about their aunt edna? i share god's blessings with my grandnieces because of their aunt, and my ate, edna.

being the father of the bride

lélé and i just finished our father-daughter dance. it was a wonderful, unforgettable experience.

at this very moment, i’m here outside the terminal city club in downtown vancouver where the wedding reception of allan and lélé is being held. i need this break from the joyful noise inside. they prepared a chinese-filipino banquet program. i’m savouring the fact that my beautiful daughter is now enjoying her dream wedding.

earlier today, i sent lélé a text message praying that god may bless this special day in my daughter’s life. joji and l’nielle joy spent the night with lélé at the terminal city hotel in downtown vancouver. the whole morning was spent double-checking the final details.

the wedding ceremony at the fairview baptist church went well. my brother, noel, officiated it with me. lélé prepared a unique wedding ceremony that reflects her journey with allan. my concluding remark was: “allan chan, you may now kiss my daughter.” the 250+ people joined our laughter.

during the wedding banquet, joji and i delivered the major speeches along with the maid of honor, and the best man. i chose to honor allan’s parents, recognizing their hard work as first-generation immigrants from china. joji honored allan’s sisters by recognizing their roles in raising up allan. allan and lélé thanked everybody for walking with them in this on-going love-journey.

i’m sooo happy for my daughter!

[more photos here]

do you want to stay young? be foolish!

that was the main idea of the commencement address delivered by steve jobs, chief executive officer of apple computer and pixar animation studios during the graduation exercises at standford university last june 12, 2005.

his main points are interesting —

:: destiny. you have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. this approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

:: love. laurence and i have a wonderful family together... i'm pretty sure none of these would have happened if i hadn't been fired from apple... your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you
do. if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. don't settle. as with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it... so keep looking until you find it.

:: death. all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
remembering that you are going to die is the best way i know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. you are already naked. there is no reason to follow your heart.

this commencement address made a big impact in my heart and mind not just because of my respect to steve jobs as a great entrepreneur; he actually understands one of the primary teachings of jesus—whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.

this sounds foolish. let's do it anyway. it will keep us young.

lessons i'm learning as a peace-builder

being a peace worker is all about building trust and genuine relationships so that the people who feel they have to take arms in order to be heard will find a non-violent alternative to express their search for justice.

here are the lessons i'm learning in my journey as i develop positive relationships with the bangsamoro people in the barangays (villages) around sultan kudarat.

1. i must start my day with my ultimate point-of-reference and my ultimate energy source--god. it is so easy to be lost into a confusion-loop in the political-military chaos here. it is also easy to be burned-out here. in the work of peace, everything starts and ends with the prince of peace.

2. i must learn to relate the specific stories of the people i talk to with the bigger story of their journey as a people in this land. furthermore, i must be aware that my story is ultimately connected with their stories--for all human beings are part of god's great story.

3. i must make the initiative to trust them first with my life. if indeed my life is ultimately in the hands of god, then i must learn to risk my life for those whom the prince of peace gave his life. there is wisdom in consulting the local army captain who has become my security adviser. there is wisdom in listening to the local police inspector's advice when to go or not to go to certain barangays. but i make the final decision to enter the barangays i need to reach based on the invitation of the barangay leaders themselves.

4. i must learn to be calm when guns are used to secure the barangay's safety as i, along with my team, enter their perimeter. it is often a normal process to search my backpack and my body while holding their m16 rifles. i'm starting to get used to it. at the same time, i must be courageous in begging them to leave their guns outside the madrasa (islamic school) where we often hold our peace dialogues. it is also our policy not to publish pictures of people with guns to help minimize the glorification of firearms.

5. i must learn to drink their water, eat their food, and enjoy their hospitality even if i know that they often give me the best share of their scarce resources. i must learn to trust god to provide for their needs as i share their provision. here, we all need each other to survive. eating their children's food humbles me--it makes me realize that i am as needy as they are. my economic superiority complex as one coming from canada is immediately debunked through this experience of hospitality.

6. i must focus on listening and let my team members do most of the talking during the actual dialogue. i must listen attentively to their specific cry for justice--"a powerful christian family grabbed my family's land," "my water buffalo was stolen by unidentified armed men," "we're getting so little with the farm produce we sell"--and compare them with the official cry for justice expressed by their leaders.

7. i must be honest with them about my peace-agenda and my search for a non-violent means to achieve justice. i must always ask for the holy spirit's wisdom and discernment regarding the appropriate time to inject our peace agenda. we often ask: "is there a way to achieve the justice you are seeking without using guns and other forms of violence?" i must respectfully accept "no way" for an answer, knowing that this is a long process towards peace. i must affirm that genuine peace is not just the absence of war but also the presence of justice. i must genuinely be interested to continue my relationship with them as human beings even if they choose violence for now.

8. i must insist in demonstrating my sense of security in a non-violent way. i must remain vulnerable to both sides, rejecting offers of armed security escorts either from the grp or from the milf.

9. i must return to their barangay within two weeks to start an on-going series of friendly visits. i must insist on visiting them especially during actual skirmishes with the government soldiers--to document the conflict, to help those who are wounded, to help secure the safety of the women and children, to volunteer as couriers between the conflicting parties, and if the situation requires, to step in their way.

10. i must learn to lead my team to be effective and efficient in the long-term development of nonviolent institutions, as well as the development of skills and training for intervention in conflict situations in mindanao.

a confession of my inability to understand the sufferings caused by typhoon "yoyong"

i do not pretend to be more knowledgeable than you, creator-god. if indeed you are all-wise and all-understanding, then in your infinite wisdom, you must genuinely understand the anger and the pain i experience along with my brothers and sisters whose lives are devastated by the typhoon yoyong (international code name: nanmadol).

i do not understand why more than 1000 people are either missing or presumed to be dead because of this natural calamity--which is referred to as “an act of god” in the legal and religious jargons. how would a mother who lost her baby son two days ago appreciate the celebration of that child born in bethlehem two thousand years ago? if everything you do has a purpose, then what’s the purpose for these series of typhoons?

i do not understand why thousands of families among the poorest in an already poor country are kicked out of their already inadequate homes? i cannot help but cry for that sick young woman who had to be carried by the men from her community for more than eight hours--on their feet--through gashing winds and pouring rain! how could this calamity bring happiness to barely surviving families as they face the new year?

i do not understand why the government of the philippines has ignored my fellow environmental activists when we were shouting against logging--whether legal or illegal--knowing that such ecologically disastrous activities will ultimately ruin our beautiful land and would kill many human and non-human lives. then, at the heart of devastation in quezon province, president gloria macapagal-arroyo announced her appointment of victor corpus to head the investigation of illegal logging, pointing fingers at the n.p.a. rebels. how about widening the scope of blame and look also at some government officials and local logging families with strong malacanang connections? would the president and victor corpuz have the backbone to investigate them too? it is nice to lay blame on others when disaster hits. but basic responsible leadership must first assess their own actions, find out their own weaknesses, and honestly correct their own mistakes. sometimes, it is politically convenient to make on-the-spot policies in the middle of a calamity. emergency response is a good thing. it’s called “intuitive insight.” and yet, wise governance must use a lot of future-oriented planning. it's called “strategic foresight.” before these calamities, the environmental laws that were in place should have been enforced without respect to political connections!

i do not understand so many things. that is why i suffer with those victims, particularly with some of them who do not understand. their suffering is my suffering. their pain is my pain. that’s why i bow my heart and my mind--yes, my whole being--to you, creator-god. and i have to do it daily, or else my anger will cease to be a justice-oriented anger and would degenerate into bitterness. i do not want to serve in anger and in bitterness.

now that i have expressed my pain and have confessed my inadequate understanding, renew my heart with a positive attitude. clear up my mind from my inadequate analysis. help me to act effectively. make my life useful today for the victims of typhoon yoyong as one of the many filipino-canadian volunteers here in vancouver.

the bases of my identity

i used to affirm my identity on the basis of what i have or what i do. i have an education. i own this house. i have a successful career. i finished that project. i’ve been to such and such a place. these, i think, are false bases of identity. i am also learning not to allow the popular bases of identity to define my individuality. i do not have to hitch-hike to the brand identity of the popular products that i use or wear, or the identity of the superstars whom the big media tells me to idolize.

let me tell you the real bases of my identity.

first, my identity is based on my worldview. “worldview” is defined as my understanding of the universe and final reality. it answers such questions as: how do i view the world and the whole universe? what is real? where did i come from? who am i? where am i going? does god exist? have we been created as the various religious narratives have taught us? or, did we evolve as the scientists have explained to us? or perhaps, we have been created and the creator used the process of evolution? is there heaven? is there hell? is there life after death? am i going to be reincarnated?

i am just beginning to be aware of my worldview. i did not care about these questions before. i was not even aware that i have a basic worldview. so far, i know within me that there is god; that the universe has been designed intelligently; that there is purpose for our existence; that good will ultimately triumph over evil; that human history moves progressively in a spiral motion towards hope; and, that i am essentially connected with all creation.

second, my identity is based on my value system. “value system” refers to those i regard as important in my life. i have a hierarchical list of what is important. god. family. others. nature. me. things. in that order. i do not always follow my value system. the “me” always want to be “god.” the “things” tend to possess me instead of me possessing them. it is a day-to-day struggle. but i will not change my value system just because i cannot follow them perfectly. these values guide my choices in life--both big choices and small choices.

third, my identity is based on my behaviour patterns. i define “behaviour patterns” as those actions that i think are right and proper. should i kiss the hands of my elders to pay respects? or, should i just greet them sincerely as a friend addressing them on a first name basis? the proper behavior among my elders in the philippines would be to kiss their hands. it would be improper for me to kiss the hands of my elderly canadian friends and relatives in british columbia. should i bow down to greet people? or, should i shake their hands? why should a man stop opening the door for a woman in 2004? why should a truly liberated woman reject a seat offered by a man? these behaviour patterns provide an outward form of the inward love and respect i have for the people around me. i always seek to be a gentleman in my behaviour patterns. being a gentleman is not about impressing others how good and classy a kind of person i am. being a gentleman is about expressing my care and respect to others through actions that would make them feel comfortable and at ease.

my journey towards a healthy sense of identity led me in a direction that is quite new for me. i am slowly realizing that i have been created for a purpose that is solely assigned to me. among the billions of people on planet earth, my characteristics, whether by nature or by nurture, are specially designed to mould the kind of person that i am. all my failures and successes, all my trials and triumphs, all my tears and laughter, all my pains and pleasures, all the negative aspects and positive aspects of my life--are factors that contribute to my identity as a unique individual.

what are your bases of identity?

the caterpillar, the cocoon, and the butterfly

for most of us, starting a career is like a caterpillar walk. slow. calculated. blending our colours with the environment, and losing our identity in the process. soon, we become aware that there are hundreds of thousands of caterpillars racing to the top.

it’s a caterpillar race!

sadly, many of us would quit the race at this stage by simply being overwhelmed by the number of those participating in the race.

the race gets worse. we soon notice that caterpillars tend to step on each other just to be on top, attracting other caterpillars to do the same until a small caterpillar hill is formed. each caterpillar fights to be on top. kicking each other. pulling each other. preventing those above us to move further up.

then one of us reaches the top. the top caterpillar is recognized as the winner! everyone feels envious. but eventually, the top caterpillar realizes that there’s really nothing there at the top except that, the others are down below.

others choose to stay on top until they are pulled down by force.

a few of us realize that being on top is a mere illusion, and that there must be more to life than this. we voluntarily crawl down. many of us would get hurt in the process. and yet, we feel we must get out of the caterpillar race. our enemies mock us and call us losers. some of our closest friends do not understand us.

we crawl. our forward motion seems endless. the journey does not appear to have any direction at all. we feel at loss. we go through a cycle of regrets and reassurances regarding our decision to get out of the race.

then we feel weak. our slow caterpillar walk gets slower. the whole world before us seems to be getting darker. we pray, and nobody seems to hear. we cry until our tears are dried. there is this darkness that literally envelops us. then… we become immobile in absolute darkness.

we experience the cocoon stage. it is like death. it seems forever.

out of darkness, we see a glimpse of light. then we feel something in our body. we can move. we can move that part of our body at will. we can spread it out! it’s big! it’s wide! it’s colourful! then to our surprise, we realize we have wings! and we fly!

we experience metamorphosis! we are transformed! we are free!

but there is more! we soon become aware that our purpose is to multiply the beauty of our surroundings by doing what we like best – becoming couriers of life-giving nourishment from one flower to another. our purpose is to serve those around us! and in turn, we are nourished.

as we fly doing our service to our gardenworld, we see the caterpillars. we realize that we did not have to step on each other to find our purpose. we realize that success is not necessarily equal to a meaningful life.

then we see the cocoons. we fly over them. we gently and lovingly land on them. and we whisper: “out of darkness, light will come, and you’ll spread your colourful wings like me.”


"whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
isa al-masih